i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Why can't burritos get me drunk
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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