I wish my penis had an off switch
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so much tequila, so little girl.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
