My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
