plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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