My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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