It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
