And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
