Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
