im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
