i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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