i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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