Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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