I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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