singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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