Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
