he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
