peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
