Define "chronic" masturbator.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
