i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
