Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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