Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
