So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
