i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
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and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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