I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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