Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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