It's like God shit irony all over that family
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
