I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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