Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
