these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
