i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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