Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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