Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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