i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
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It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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