I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
