I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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