On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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