I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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