who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
false alarm. still invincible.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
