I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
