I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
