Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
