I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I could make wine with my vomit
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
