It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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