??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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