Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
