Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
