i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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