You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
