so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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