They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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