Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
