Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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