So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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