The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
