Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night