There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
