I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
