so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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