I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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