im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
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so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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