My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
